Well not today...

Well no self love today, felt more like self hurt, self anger, self sadness. Today marks 7 years since I lost my dad. 

I relive the day like a nightmare. Some days I miss him so much that I can't do anything or have motivation to do anything. I feel like I could cry all my tears and not feel better. Some days for the most part I miss him like crazy and maybe a thought or memory brings tears and those days seem to be more of a reoccurrence than before.

I know that I have to heal at some point from this larger than life loss but yet I can't force myself to heal when it still hurts so much. I was Daddy's Little Girl, always was even as an adult and my daughters were the apple of his eye. 

I often wonder how different life would be with him here, cause dam it was always an adventure with him. I love him more and more with each passing day and I think about him so much. 

I know he's here and protects us, but some days that's just not enough. I miss you dad. 

Creativity

 So I have heard that to start with self love you need to first not be afraid to jump out of a comfort zone, and or start something. So along with my (hopefully) daily blogging I can also do some self creativity, called Bullet Journaling. I'm still learning about it by of course none other than a Google search.

So I picked myself up a couple of bullet journals,stickers cause shit who does not love stickers, (I remember a sticker book I had as a child) the puffy and smelly ones were my favorite. Anyway, this bullet journal think is all about creativity, there is no set thing, there is no instructions a blank canvas persay to just explore your creative side.

I like to think I'm creative, I give credit to of course google and pintest for ideas, either way I'm hoping it will make my journey to self love,fun, creative and I'm sure full of goofy shit that I would only understand.

It's all about discovering your self right so why not step out of a few comfort zones in the process. 

See below my journals and already an idea of how to start. 

Some Things for Me.

So, I just did a Google search for self love books. Google is my go to for E V E R Y T HI N G. I ordered three books all of which are recommended, so we shall see. 

I feel like something that can prompt my thoughts, creativeness will help me discover self love within myself. I'm also going to start journaling. Bullet journaling to be exact. Not quite sure how to do it but people say it's great.

See I'm sometes afraid to tackle something out of fear that it may not be just like it should, or look as good as someone else's. I'm sometimes afraid it won't be good enough. 

I need to learn that it will be mine and mine will be perfect. 

2021 my focus Self Care and Self Love

Well, the shit show of 2020 is over, while many I'm sure wish the madness and unknown of the pandemic will go away with 2020,let's be honest it's January 1st of 2021 and for the most part is everyone is still wearing masks, it's still on the news and people are still dying from it and more cases seems to triple overnight. Either way this year is going to be a focus on Self Care and Self Love. 

Come on..... we could all tend to focus on that at some point, but for me it's going to be a big focus. I feel like I never take care of me, Come on us mom's just don't put themselves first. While I'm sure I still won't 99%of the time I have a 1% chance that I will dedicate to me. 

I want to feel beautiful, last year with having my breast reduction was huge for me, I felt more confident.I felt normal, I felt like people looked at me not my boobs (which is how I have felt for so so so long, God really back to being a teen years. 

But, while I have my perky much smaller girls I still need to do stuff for ME. I still need to feel beautiful, I still need to feel and dress confidently. So hopefully with my goals of proving my self care and self love I will get there. 

I'm sure it won't be easy but ya know I'm ready for the challenge. So here we go. 

Day one a shopping adventure with my oldest daughter, and there we were standing in Victoria Secret, as she is gaga over the sales, (cause who needs more underwear an 18 year old) but she really walked out without any. It was the bras. I was in awe of pretty bras, sexy bras for 30plus years I wore ugly ass plain jane bras in beige. Yes how fun right....NOT but beige would never show through clothing so yes why would I want anything different. 

Anyway I looked at them as my daughter was like mom your not that big you are C or D at least. Oh she's too kind. But it was not the cup it was the band around. Not sure I could squeeze my flab into that. Well stared at the bras, touched the softness and then walked away. Not sure I could deal with the dissapointment of getting home and not being able to wear it. 

While my daughter insisted she  get three new bras I walked out with a body spray. So it's not a new bra but its something to make me smell pretty. Goal One feel comfortable with the girls that you can feel sexy in a bra. 

My outlet

I have really come to love this blogging thing, I spend a lot more of my blogging episodes on my other blog as I reflect on a man I miss so much my daddy. I'm able to just let my raw emotions spill out onto the computer I cry I sob and sometimes laugh out loud.
But this blog is much different well I want to separate it as such. I'm amazed with people in this world, people who portray lives better than yours, complain and or have no problems at all. Sorry life ain't F$#&*@? Perfect. This past week I have really reflected on myself and the people in my life, really looked hard at the ones who maybe are just along to be nosey, ones who want to compare and ones who truly get me and love me. It's funny when you start to look around people and their true colors show. They say they care but ya know they don't give a rats ass, well I think it's time I pull up my big girl panties and only worry about what I think of myself. The world is scary enough and life is too short to waste on those whom only bring you down, so I look at the bigger picture and keep those who love me for who I am.

Blogging the new stress relief.

I have always loved writing as a child and I recently came across diaries that I had as a child. I get that from my mom she writes in one every night. There is something about just letting it all out. I have this blog and another that talks about the man I lost a year ago my dad. It's my escape from the pain of grief, the happiness of memories and the tears of fear. It's funny how your mind leads your fingers across a keyboard and before you know it you have filled a page and your shoulders feel lighter. It's my escape from stress, drama, and just every day life.

Crazy how time flies

Wow I was just looking back upon this blog of mine that I started and stopped so many times. WOW how life has changed for me, I have lost important people in my life. I suffer through grief and some days just trying to get the get up and go. I'm working on it, yes maybe a year has passed but there is no time frame you can put on grief and I'm learning that.
I need to do this more I need to Let It All Out. Yeah that's what this blog had come to be cause I needed to let it all out. There is something about putting your feelings out there something about just spilling it all, no one to judge you well just your blog readers.
A new year is upon us 2015 Holy Crap where did 2014 go. . . Man 2014 was a year of HEARTACHE huge loss of my dad which made my heart break, I completed my first ever half marathon, not in any record time but wait it was my race so my pace, I watched my daughter perform and earn scholarships, I watched my little Lauren grow up right before my very eyes with her learning and and her personality. A trip to Hawaii oh the Island where I left a piece of my heart I cant wait to go back and pick it up. Travled to Las Vegas and took a road trip to Los Angeles. My daughter got o experience Hollywood. We had firsts together as a family, my nieces 1st birthday, My 35th birthday party, and lots of firsts with out my dad. We grew together as a family and I guess you can say we grew apart too.
Well its a new year, so that means new adventures and new 1st and new experiences, So here's to a new year. . . And hopefully I can remember to let it all out more than just once a year.