Patience

While I have some, I need more. . My mom god love her, but some days I feel like I just can't adult with her. Someday Ibwish she would just open up the idea of learning something new, maybe not be so set in her ways. . . But I guess that's the generation. 

So while I must be patient with life, I must also learn to be more patient with her, cause got knows she is not getting younger. 

Defeated...

So your out to prove yourself,you know the boss puts you through a pressure test and your 1000% intact and ready. 

Then someone makes you feel defeated and your confidence goes in the shitter. How do you come back from that and still want to give 1000%>. 

Today that was me. I cried I won't lie, the stress I was feeling and the fact that I felt like what I was given to do was too much, which that was the farthest. 

I guess I have to have thick skin, which is not easy for me. I give 1000% and take each challenge and I get doubed and oh accused of doing. 

Adding this to my list of things to improve upon. 

the world does not help.

So I know I've said it earlier this week that the world is against each other, and this sums up perfect and so I will just leave it here.

Copied:

“This morning, I realized that everything is about to change. No matter how I vote, no matter what I say, lives are never going to be the same.

I have been confused by the hostility of family and friends. I look at people I have known all my life so hate-filled that they agree with opinions they would never express as their own. I think that I may well have entered the Twilight Zone.

You can't justify this insanity. We have become a nation that has lost its collective mind.

We see other countries going Socialist and collapsing, but it seems like a great plan to us.

Somehow it’s un-American for the census to count how many Americans are in America.

People who say there is no such thing as gender are demanding a female President.

Universities that advocate equality, discriminate against Asian-Americans in favor of African-Americans.

Some people are held responsible for things that happened before they were born, and other people are not held responsible for what they are doing right now.

Criminals are caught-and-released to hurt more people, but stopping them is bad because it's a violation of THEIR rights.

People who have never owned slaves should pay slavery reparations to people who have never been slaves.

After legislating gender, if a dude pretends to be a woman, you are required to pretend with him.

It was cool for Joe Biden to "blackmail" the President of Ukraine, but it’s an impeachable offense if Donald Trump inquiries about it.

People who have never been to college should pay the debts of college students who took out huge loans for their degrees.

Immigrants with tuberculosis and polio are welcome, but you’d better be able to prove your dog is vaccinated.

Irish doctors and German engineers who want to immigrate to the US must go through a rigorous vetting process, but any illiterate gang-bangers who jump the southern fence are welcomed.

$5 billion for border security is too expensive, but $1.5 trillion for “free” health care is not.

If you cheat to get into college you go to prison, but if you cheat to get into the country you go to college for free.

And, pointing out all this hypocrisy somehow makes us "racists"!

Nothing makes sense anymore, no values, no morals, no civility and people are dying of a Chinese virus, but it is racist to refer to it as Chinese even though it began in China.

We are clearly living in an upside-down world where right is wrong and wrong is right, where moral is immoral and immoral is moral, where good is evil and evil is good, where killing murderers is wrong, but killing innocent babies is right.

Wake up America. The great unsinkable ship Titanic America has hit an iceberg, is taking on water and sinking fast.”

Dave Ramsey

Self Love Reflects

So your own self love reflects onto those who watch you each day, your actions, your words everything. I'm talking about my daughter's. My oldest is 18 old enough to think she's big enough to not have to go to mom well guess what she still does and that's fine, we share a closeness where she tells me everything and I'm comfortable with that. 

My you hear turns 11 today. So she's growing into being a young woman with changes happening. I need to remember as I learn to self love it will too reflect on her so If feel it's really important to portray that. 

Needed a distraction

Well when cauious errupts in the world (a group of protestors stormed the us senate) anyways this is not about politics it's about just getting away from the hate and disconnect with the world. So tonight I dove into my About me page of my bullet journal, it's far from perfect (but hey that's me) it's about learning to love the imperfections. 

It's a start, and it was the perfect start to do it on a night when their is so much hate going around. 

So about me.... What I love, and what I dislike a glimpse of a page that you can learn something about someone with an image or a word.

What I want to work towards

What I want to work towards..... 

God what don't I want to work towards. There is a lot.

My confidence

Myself

My freedom

My communication

Facing my faults

Embracing my strengths

Balence 

My fears

My worry

My need to please

Me time

The list could go on but I guess I will just start with these. I know some will be hard and some will be easy, but that's all about growing and all about self love. So how do I do this. Do I take one and foucs on it or do I just take them all and work on them together. Hmmmm time to research how to confront my self love troubles and enhance my strengths. 

Well not today...

Well no self love today, felt more like self hurt, self anger, self sadness. Today marks 7 years since I lost my dad. 

I relive the day like a nightmare. Some days I miss him so much that I can't do anything or have motivation to do anything. I feel like I could cry all my tears and not feel better. Some days for the most part I miss him like crazy and maybe a thought or memory brings tears and those days seem to be more of a reoccurrence than before.

I know that I have to heal at some point from this larger than life loss but yet I can't force myself to heal when it still hurts so much. I was Daddy's Little Girl, always was even as an adult and my daughters were the apple of his eye. 

I often wonder how different life would be with him here, cause dam it was always an adventure with him. I love him more and more with each passing day and I think about him so much. 

I know he's here and protects us, but some days that's just not enough. I miss you dad. 

Creativity

 So I have heard that to start with self love you need to first not be afraid to jump out of a comfort zone, and or start something. So along with my (hopefully) daily blogging I can also do some self creativity, called Bullet Journaling. I'm still learning about it by of course none other than a Google search.

So I picked myself up a couple of bullet journals,stickers cause shit who does not love stickers, (I remember a sticker book I had as a child) the puffy and smelly ones were my favorite. Anyway, this bullet journal think is all about creativity, there is no set thing, there is no instructions a blank canvas persay to just explore your creative side.

I like to think I'm creative, I give credit to of course google and pintest for ideas, either way I'm hoping it will make my journey to self love,fun, creative and I'm sure full of goofy shit that I would only understand.

It's all about discovering your self right so why not step out of a few comfort zones in the process. 

See below my journals and already an idea of how to start. 

Some Things for Me.

So, I just did a Google search for self love books. Google is my go to for E V E R Y T HI N G. I ordered three books all of which are recommended, so we shall see. 

I feel like something that can prompt my thoughts, creativeness will help me discover self love within myself. I'm also going to start journaling. Bullet journaling to be exact. Not quite sure how to do it but people say it's great.

See I'm sometes afraid to tackle something out of fear that it may not be just like it should, or look as good as someone else's. I'm sometimes afraid it won't be good enough. 

I need to learn that it will be mine and mine will be perfect. 

2021 my focus Self Care and Self Love

Well, the shit show of 2020 is over, while many I'm sure wish the madness and unknown of the pandemic will go away with 2020,let's be honest it's January 1st of 2021 and for the most part is everyone is still wearing masks, it's still on the news and people are still dying from it and more cases seems to triple overnight. Either way this year is going to be a focus on Self Care and Self Love. 

Come on..... we could all tend to focus on that at some point, but for me it's going to be a big focus. I feel like I never take care of me, Come on us mom's just don't put themselves first. While I'm sure I still won't 99%of the time I have a 1% chance that I will dedicate to me. 

I want to feel beautiful, last year with having my breast reduction was huge for me, I felt more confident.I felt normal, I felt like people looked at me not my boobs (which is how I have felt for so so so long, God really back to being a teen years. 

But, while I have my perky much smaller girls I still need to do stuff for ME. I still need to feel beautiful, I still need to feel and dress confidently. So hopefully with my goals of proving my self care and self love I will get there. 

I'm sure it won't be easy but ya know I'm ready for the challenge. So here we go. 

Day one a shopping adventure with my oldest daughter, and there we were standing in Victoria Secret, as she is gaga over the sales, (cause who needs more underwear an 18 year old) but she really walked out without any. It was the bras. I was in awe of pretty bras, sexy bras for 30plus years I wore ugly ass plain jane bras in beige. Yes how fun right....NOT but beige would never show through clothing so yes why would I want anything different. 

Anyway I looked at them as my daughter was like mom your not that big you are C or D at least. Oh she's too kind. But it was not the cup it was the band around. Not sure I could squeeze my flab into that. Well stared at the bras, touched the softness and then walked away. Not sure I could deal with the dissapointment of getting home and not being able to wear it. 

While my daughter insisted she  get three new bras I walked out with a body spray. So it's not a new bra but its something to make me smell pretty. Goal One feel comfortable with the girls that you can feel sexy in a bra.