Some Things for Me.

So, I just did a Google search for self love books. Google is my go to for E V E R Y T HI N G. I ordered three books all of which are recommended, so we shall see. 

I feel like something that can prompt my thoughts, creativeness will help me discover self love within myself. I'm also going to start journaling. Bullet journaling to be exact. Not quite sure how to do it but people say it's great.

See I'm sometes afraid to tackle something out of fear that it may not be just like it should, or look as good as someone else's. I'm sometimes afraid it won't be good enough. 

I need to learn that it will be mine and mine will be perfect. 

2021 my focus Self Care and Self Love

Well, the shit show of 2020 is over, while many I'm sure wish the madness and unknown of the pandemic will go away with 2020,let's be honest it's January 1st of 2021 and for the most part is everyone is still wearing masks, it's still on the news and people are still dying from it and more cases seems to triple overnight. Either way this year is going to be a focus on Self Care and Self Love. 

Come on..... we could all tend to focus on that at some point, but for me it's going to be a big focus. I feel like I never take care of me, Come on us mom's just don't put themselves first. While I'm sure I still won't 99%of the time I have a 1% chance that I will dedicate to me. 

I want to feel beautiful, last year with having my breast reduction was huge for me, I felt more confident.I felt normal, I felt like people looked at me not my boobs (which is how I have felt for so so so long, God really back to being a teen years. 

But, while I have my perky much smaller girls I still need to do stuff for ME. I still need to feel beautiful, I still need to feel and dress confidently. So hopefully with my goals of proving my self care and self love I will get there. 

I'm sure it won't be easy but ya know I'm ready for the challenge. So here we go. 

Day one a shopping adventure with my oldest daughter, and there we were standing in Victoria Secret, as she is gaga over the sales, (cause who needs more underwear an 18 year old) but she really walked out without any. It was the bras. I was in awe of pretty bras, sexy bras for 30plus years I wore ugly ass plain jane bras in beige. Yes how fun right....NOT but beige would never show through clothing so yes why would I want anything different. 

Anyway I looked at them as my daughter was like mom your not that big you are C or D at least. Oh she's too kind. But it was not the cup it was the band around. Not sure I could squeeze my flab into that. Well stared at the bras, touched the softness and then walked away. Not sure I could deal with the dissapointment of getting home and not being able to wear it. 

While my daughter insisted she  get three new bras I walked out with a body spray. So it's not a new bra but its something to make me smell pretty. Goal One feel comfortable with the girls that you can feel sexy in a bra. 

My outlet

I have really come to love this blogging thing, I spend a lot more of my blogging episodes on my other blog as I reflect on a man I miss so much my daddy. I'm able to just let my raw emotions spill out onto the computer I cry I sob and sometimes laugh out loud.
But this blog is much different well I want to separate it as such. I'm amazed with people in this world, people who portray lives better than yours, complain and or have no problems at all. Sorry life ain't F$#&*@? Perfect. This past week I have really reflected on myself and the people in my life, really looked hard at the ones who maybe are just along to be nosey, ones who want to compare and ones who truly get me and love me. It's funny when you start to look around people and their true colors show. They say they care but ya know they don't give a rats ass, well I think it's time I pull up my big girl panties and only worry about what I think of myself. The world is scary enough and life is too short to waste on those whom only bring you down, so I look at the bigger picture and keep those who love me for who I am.

Blogging the new stress relief.

I have always loved writing as a child and I recently came across diaries that I had as a child. I get that from my mom she writes in one every night. There is something about just letting it all out. I have this blog and another that talks about the man I lost a year ago my dad. It's my escape from the pain of grief, the happiness of memories and the tears of fear. It's funny how your mind leads your fingers across a keyboard and before you know it you have filled a page and your shoulders feel lighter. It's my escape from stress, drama, and just every day life.

Crazy how time flies

Wow I was just looking back upon this blog of mine that I started and stopped so many times. WOW how life has changed for me, I have lost important people in my life. I suffer through grief and some days just trying to get the get up and go. I'm working on it, yes maybe a year has passed but there is no time frame you can put on grief and I'm learning that.
I need to do this more I need to Let It All Out. Yeah that's what this blog had come to be cause I needed to let it all out. There is something about putting your feelings out there something about just spilling it all, no one to judge you well just your blog readers.
A new year is upon us 2015 Holy Crap where did 2014 go. . . Man 2014 was a year of HEARTACHE huge loss of my dad which made my heart break, I completed my first ever half marathon, not in any record time but wait it was my race so my pace, I watched my daughter perform and earn scholarships, I watched my little Lauren grow up right before my very eyes with her learning and and her personality. A trip to Hawaii oh the Island where I left a piece of my heart I cant wait to go back and pick it up. Travled to Las Vegas and took a road trip to Los Angeles. My daughter got o experience Hollywood. We had firsts together as a family, my nieces 1st birthday, My 35th birthday party, and lots of firsts with out my dad. We grew together as a family and I guess you can say we grew apart too.
Well its a new year, so that means new adventures and new 1st and new experiences, So here's to a new year. . . And hopefully I can remember to let it all out more than just once a year.

Christmas and a New Year

Christmas seemed to had flown by as fast as it came. Christmas morning was magic as it always is as we make the girls come down the stairs together while Matt and I sit and watch them, its pretty awesome. This year the look of surprise was no different and the magic twinkled in their eyes. We got right down to business opening gift after gift one at a time pausing in between to look over what they received, and they were both ever so grateful for everything they got.
I twas not long before the adventure continued to my parents house and the look on their faces were just as magical that they saw that Santa had in fact stopped there too. Amber on the other hand came down sick with a fever and slept most of Christmas afternoon away. That night we took her to the ER she had broken out in hives and was just so not herself she had influenza yep the flu so it was going to be rest and lots of it with the fluids as well. So needless to say her Christmas and Vacation was pretty much spent on the couch and Lauren and I soon followed suit sick and on the couch. The sickness seems to be behind us Thank god and we welcomed the New year the only way we have known how for the past three years with our dance family,the team put on a show and then the girls had the annual sleepover while Lauren and I still battled the cold we came home.
Well the new year started off not how I ever would had wanted it too with the passing of my dear Grandmother, she was 92 years old and while I know that she lived a good long life I was not ready to let her go. I'm so very blessed that I was able to call her my gram. I knew it was not going to be easy on anyone in the family for this is really the first death we have had to deal with since the loss of my brother almost 24 years ago. I knew there would be plenty of tears and plenty of memories as well. I knew in my heart that I needed to do something and I did I wrote a tribute to my grandmother that I read at her Wake/funeral on January 5, 2013 I knew it was not going to be easy and I knew I would have to fight back tears and pause to get through it and I knew I would. Sure enough I delivered her tribute like a proud granddaughter should and I know she was smiling down on me as I recalled all her memories well most of them I knew I could had gone on forever but I would still be there reciting the words that I wrote about her. She has a copy with her. I also placed a grandmother neck less on her and I wear the other part of it that says granddaughter so we are forever connected. I will miss her forever but I know that she is by me watching over me and the family and all those she loved.

Catching Up

Ok It seems that I always promice myself that Im going stay at this, but things get crazy and this gets put on hold. Well Its now almost December one of my favorite times of year. Is it the holidays, another year older for me (not really) the end of a year, I think it maybe a mix of everything.
I have always loved this time of year, my birthday is amongst the hustle and bussle of the holiday and yes it tends to still get tucked aside but oh well its not nearly as fun to celebrate a birthday when you get older or is it, I always love a chance to celebrate. Maybe its the magic of the holidays that I love so much, the lights, the music the decorations the cheer, the MAGIC of the season in my children's eyes the gleam of sheer delight as they take in every last detail of decortating the tree, decorating the house and the wonder of it all.
Im so lucky that the spirt is still alive and well here in our home and it makes it so much more magical, last year we welcomed Tinsel our Elf on the Shelf into our family and this year she brought her twin sister with her Sparkle and WOW have they caused some mischief but its awesome to hear the first things from my daughters in the morning be "lets find Tinsel and Sparkle and see what they did last night. 
For this is the Most Wonderful Time of the Year right.

Here is Tinsel and Sparkle's return to our home this year.